It was brought to my attention recently that some members of our community have been rolling their eyes at one of the greatest and most enduring comic routines: Animals Dressed as Humans. Any man who does not laugh at this:
...is surely a man made of stone. It's a chimp wearing a very small sea captain's outfit. It's funny. The multiplicity of reasons why it is funny are quite convoluted and technical -- if you wish to find out more, drop me a line.
As evidenced in the following picture, chimps in clothing have been delighting us since the turn of last century:
Look into that chimp's eyes and tell me he's not absolutely content with his lot in life. Wearer of suits, purveyor of laughter. Angry Puppet challenges you not to smile! In fact, to not smile would be to insult little Consul up there. He busted his nuts perfecting the Animals Dressed as Humans routine -- show him some respect.
Now, whilst chimps do hold the monopoly on the Clothed Animal market, the oeuvre extends far beyond our primordial friends. Below is a clip from the classic "Dogway Melody" (circa 1930s), a complex "dogsploitation" film which explores such themes as adultery, embezzlement and substance abuse. In this particular scene we gain a frighteningly bleak insight into the world of dog-on-dog sexual harassment -- yet never once does it cease to be funny due to the old-timey garb they're wearing:
Breath-taking. Rue the day the Animal Rights movement destroyed this clever and confronting genre of film.
And so today, whilst on break from jamming on the sax along to my Roxette LP, I toyed with a bit of mathematics. For a long time, I have believed in a particular animal/article of clothing combination which may well be the Apex of Hilarity. And today, I think I found that combination. Behold!
I understand if you are finding the notes above difficult to penetrate; that is why I have distilled all the information into an easy-to-read table:
As you can see, through rigorous research, testing and analysis, I deduced a scoring system to reveal the funniest animal and the funniest article of clothing. The sloth, god bless 'em, rated as the funniest animal. The bathing suit swept the board clean and won the title of funniest clothing article. Therefore, the Apex of Hilarity is a sloth wearing a bathing suit.
As far as Angry Puppet is aware, no such occurrence has been captured on film yet. If it did, though, I am not sure the photograph could actually withstand the weight of its own hilarity, and thus would collapse in on itself, much like a neutron star dissolving into a black hole. If anyone ever captures the Apex on film without their camera bursting into flames, please let me know.
Other hilarious combinations include a cat in sunglasses, an otter in a turtleneck sweater, and a chimp in rollerskates. The lowest-rating comination was a dog in a hat.
Not funny.
I hope you have all learned something today. Please, next time you find yourself proclaiming that email your mother sent you with the pug dressed as Darth Vader as "low brow" ... have a think about the noble tradition behind it all.
