A sonnet, regarding my marriage to the sea.

I once loved a girl, a sweet maiden fair

If we'd have met, then she might have loved me;

But she's wed to a dip shit with over-styled hair

And so I must marry the sea.

The sea's an old salt, she's dark and fermented

And like me, her soul's deep and blue

But as a bald Irish woman once lamented,

Nothing compares 2 U.

But, oh, I must cast my great pain to one side

So into the ocean, knee-deep I shall wade

Be mine, briny waters, til the day that I die!

(I wonder, though, will I get laid?)

My sweet maiden fair, betrothed to a douche

And I, with my salty blue bride

Our love has extinguished, an almighty whoosh

As I get swept away with the sea's tide.

I'm so full of anguish, eyes bleary and bawling

More angst than a song by James Blunt

I hate to resort to petty name-calling

But jeez, Russell Brand, you're a really nasty guy for stealing the girl of my dreams away from me.

By Angry Puppet