Goopy Goop

Y'all. *tips hat*

First up, I'd like to point out how amazing I look in the above photo. Gwyneth thinks I look like a young David Bowie here. I've gotten that a couple of times before -- he's definitely my celebrity doppelganger. So. There you go.

Second up, Gwyneth asked me not so long ago to contribute content to her awesome, awesome, awesome website GOOP. Awesome. G-Pal and I get along like a house on fire. We're both self-styled lifestyle gurus. We both radiate sanctimoniousness. We both know what's good for you. We both enjoy nourishing our inner aspects -- however, where G-Pal nourishes her inner aspect with coconut water, Angry Puppet nourishes his with poetry, and serenading ladies to sleep by playing Frente! songs on his guitar.

As for nourishing the outer aspect, we have no time for it. Fuck the outer aspect. It's lame.

So in this particular newsletter, Gwen invited a couple of deep thinkers (including yours truly) to discuss Pessimism. Enjoy.

Q. I have a friend who sees the world in a pessimistic light. This person is highly suspicious of people and situations, and sees, as well as experiences negativity at most turns. Why is this and what does it mean? What can be done to help someone of this nature?

A. Your friend is a wise person. Only the very highly suspicious survive. Angry Puppet learned to be suspicious a long time ago, and look where he is today: a rigorous blogger, already with 2 (count 'em, 2) followers. He landed himself a sweet job in the public service, pushing data from one Microshite Office program to another with ease and dexterity. Angry Puppet is known as the Data Whisperer in his workplace.

If Angry Puppet had applied "optimism" to his lifestyle and career choices, he'd most likely fail. His life would be one sorry aborted effort after another; failure at every turn. And that is no way to live. Pessimism got Angry Puppet into a very comfortable rut which he has no intention of hoisting himself out of. Things may not be optimum, but they're comfortable. Angry Puppet would rather be a comfortable pessimist than a shit-poor, constantly disappointed optimist.

Optimism is synonymous with getting let down, and describing oneself as a "realist" is a cop-out. Your friend don't need to go a-changing, he's got it sorted. Pessimism rules, everything else drools. The end.